The Why

"You realize that our mistrust of the future makes it hard to give up the past. We can't give up our concept of who we were. All those adults playing archaeologist at yard sales, looking for childhood artifacts, board games, Candyland, Twister, they're terrified. Trash becomes holy relics. Mystery Date. Hula Hoops. Our way of getting nostalgic for what we just threw in the trash, it's all because we're afraid to evolve. Grow, change, lose weight, reinvent ourselves. Adapt."



I woke up to Kim's face taking up my entire line of sight.
"Hey, time to get up," she said. She was speaking in a soft voice which was greatly appreciated. She had already been wearing her coat, and her bags lay resting on top of one another in front of the door.

I took a minute to gather my composure. My mouth was dry, my eyes weighed down, still heavy with sleep. I rolled off of her living room couch and headed into the bathroom to brush my teeth. I flipped on the light switch and quickly shut my eyes to keep out the glare of the bright lights. I looked in the mirror, my beard was growing in. I had made a deal with myself not to shave during the trip. Scruffy beards and a disheveled look were a part of any good road trip. I caught a glance of the top of my head. My hair was all over the place, and I had the kind of hair that does what it wants, when it wants. If it chose to stay looking like Phil Spector's then who I was to argue?

After I was finished I walked back out to the living room.
"Ready?" Kim asked. She was much too chipper for seven in the morning.
"Mmph," was all that came out of my mouth. I got dressed and put on my coat. The temperature was probably still in the single-digits because a car drove by and the smoke from the exhaust was filling up the air behind it.

I grabbed my bags and walked to the front door to where Kim was. She looked at me and smiled. She had a kind face; attractive and sincere. The kind of person who, when she spoke, you know knew she meant what she said.
"Nice hair," she said.
"Shut up," I said, walking past her through the front door. She laughed to herself and shut the door behind us.

It was definitely still below ten degrees. My first breath resulted in frozen lungs that shot a coughing fit through my body. I was breathing smoke.
"Alright, take a minute," she said, patting me on the back, "Now get over it." She walked past me and started loading the car.
There wasn't much to it. I had three bags, a suit, pillow and a blanket, and a laundry basket filled with food. She had a bag and a gift for her boyfriend.

I started the car up and blasted the heat.
"What. The. Hell," I said, my mouth barely opening.
"So, here's what I'm thinking. We're in Maryland and it's-" she checked the temperature on my dashboard. "Eight! it's eight degrees out."
I nodded in agreement.
"So if we go north, we're looking at snow storms, wind chills, and 'holy fuck it's cold outside's.'"
"Ahuh."
"The south is going to be much warmer. We can drive through the Smokey Mountains and not deal with the cold.
"Done," I said. I didn't need any convincing. I knew I'd see Greg another time, but I did feel bad about canceling on him.
"So, we're going south," I said, and looked over at her. She had a big smile on her face.
"We're going south," she said back, almost yelling with excitement.
"Great," I put the car in drive. "Now, how do we get there?"

We were probably five hours and into Virginia when Kim asked me.
"So, why are you doing this?"
"Moving?"
"Yeah. I mean, I get that you don't want to be home anymore. But why go now? Why California? I thought you didn't want to be one of those dreamers in Hollywood."

I had thought about it. I had thought about it a lot, actually. When I was in school at Elon I had a lot of friends in our film program that always talked about L.A. and how they couldn't wait to get out there. I was never like that. I had read enough things to know that all those people who were convinced they would be the next superstar were simply disillusioned.
But I also knew I was sick of sitting and wishing. For too long I had sat around being envious of other people. I had a friend who graduated two years before me who was living in London. Two more who were in Australia, my roommate Bryan was teaching English in Korea, and I wanted that, too. Not necessarily to be in Korea, but to be out, living. To be out there, trying, doing, being. I was sick of wondering "What if," I was ready to ask, "Why not?" I had never claimed to know all the answers to the questions I had in life. I may never get the answers, or if I do,, they might not be what I'd hoped for. But I was never going to find any answers by sitting at home.

This was my time to do something. It was my time to try something., to be daring, be stupid, be bold. It was my time to live the life I'd been so envious of. So I made a decision to go. My plan had an outline, with plenty of spots to add details to and no ending. California was worth trying out. If I wanted to do film then there was no place better to get my feet wet. If it didn't work out then I'd figure something else out. It wasn't failing that I was afraid of. It was never trying.

We, all of us, are just a speck on on this planet, in a small solar system that is stuck swirling inside of a small galaxy that's just one of countless others. This life may be futile and small, but it is here for a reason. And in 100 years from I'll be dead, and that's fine. But to think that I didn't spend my time here living for all I could, that's just too overwhelming for me.

I looked over at Kim who was sitting on her folded legs in the front seat, waiting for my response.
"Well, might as well try."
She thought about it for a moment, and said, "Fair enough," seemingly satisfied with my response. Then, "Oh, I love this song," and turned up the radio.