A Quiet Drive in Utah

"It occurs to me as it sometimes does, that this day is over and will never be lived again, that we are only the sum of days, and when those are spent we will not come back to this place, to this time, to these people and these colors, and I wonder whether to be sad about this... or to be happy."





There is something strange about being alone. You get this flurry of emotion that rushes through your blood and into your muscles, causing your toes to tense up, then your legs, your stomach and chest, until it reaches up to your face and forces your cheeks to spread wide into a smile. Because you are free. Free to go where you want. To sit in a café for hours, writing, or sit on the hood of your car and at watch as local kids try to set a small pile of leaves on fire. You’re free to turn up your music and scream the lyrics to your favorite songs. Or to fall in love, if only for a moment, with a stranger you meet once, not realizing that that moment will never happen again. And it’s comforting. This freedom. This ability to go and do and see and be. It’s what you were meant to do. For me, that moment came long after I left Kim in Colorado.

The night before I left, I wasn’t sure what I was going to say to Kim when I finally said goodbye. We both knew that she was only coming with me to Colorado, and that I would make the rest of the trip myself, but it still wasn’t an easy thing to say. I was always more comfortable writing down my thoughts and ideas than speaking them, so I wrote. I wrote until my hand got sore. I long, drawn out letter saying, “Thanks.” It wasn’t my best piece of writing, it’s hard to sound poetic when you’re frantically writing, but it was from the heart. Which I guess is what matters. I finished up her letter and tucked it away until morning.

I guess Kim had the same idea, because the next morning as I handed over her letter, she leaned in and said, “Check your notebook, I left you something towards the end.” And with a hug and kiss on the cheek I got in my car and drove away. I took route 70 West. Kim told me it was the best route to take if I wanted to drive through the Rocky Mountains. It can be difficult to put into words, some experiences we have. After all, how does one describe the size of a stone? By weight? Carats? Shape? Maybe by how far it can be thrown. But what if the stone is all around you? What if it’s all you can see when you look left or right. Back or forward. What about looking up? Driving route 70 felt like I was inching my way through the witch’s house in the old fairy tail Hansel and Gretel. It was amazing to see; a sleeping beast that lay all around me, but that could seemingly wake at any moment if I overstayed my welcome. It took me five hours to get from Boulder to the state border.

Utah. Welcome to Utah. This is Utah. Really? Those were the first thoughts to cross my mind as I entered the state.
In a country so full of everything, there was bound to be a place where nothing lived. I found that place about one hour in to Utah. I had been on the road for over six hours and needed to rest. I pulled to the side of the highway, and turned the car off. I got out and stretched. Walked a couple of laps around the car to work my leg muscles, and took a seat on my hood. I sat, looking around me. It was eerily silent. Too silent for a highway road. I looked around me. Snow blanketed everything. To my right the ground was flat and white and went on until I couldn’t see anymore. To my left was more snow. More flat land, and the other side of the highway. And silence. I jumped off my hood, and walked to the road. All I could hear was the wind coming in from what felt like the northwest. I checked my cell phone. No reception. “Great,” I said out loud. I looked at the road ahead of me. There was nothing. Behind me the same. I was the only car here. Possibly the only thing here. So I walked onto the road and stood in the middle lane. Nerves were firing off in my body, the same kind of nerves you get when you know you’re doing something you shouldn’t be. My eyes could see there was no danger anywhere around me, but my brain was still sending signals to get the hell out of there. But I stood for a moment longer. Maybe many moments. And I laughed. At first a short, sort of chuckle, that grew louder into full laughter until I was hunched over in the middle of the highway laughing at the world around me. And I wondered if this was how it would feel to be the last person on Earth. Alone in this desolate, baron, abandoned place, and I felt happy. I felt free. Like this was where I was supposed to be. Here alone. Being with somebody would have created a need to speak. But this place needed no commentary. No interpretation or conversation. Being here was enough. “Utah,” I thought. “Beautiful,” I said, and turned around and walked back to my car.

Six hours in and I still had ten more to go if I was going to make to Tempe by nightfall. I was going to stay with an old friend, Josh until I could make it further. It had been three years since I’d seen him, but he welcomed me like no time had passed at all. So I put the car in drive and pulled back onto the highway. My highway, at least until anyone else came to claim it.

Lessons Learned: A Day in Colorado

"Everything in the universe is everything else. A man is a killer is a saint is a monkey is a cockroach is a goldfish is a whale, and the Devil is just the angel who asked for more."


I awoke on the couch the next morning to the sun squeezing its way through the blinds on the sliding doors next to me. I had that dry mouth feeling that I more often than not wake up with. It was early and no one else was up yet, so I took a moment to enjoy the peace that comes with being alone. Outside the sun had risen over the Rocky Mountains and I sat watching them, wondering why I had never been here before in my life. It was times like these that I was content just being. Living in the moment was all I could as for. To want more felt inappropriate.

I heard a rustling from behind Ben and Kim's door. I turned to look at it, but nothing happened. So I kept watching the scenery. I had always seen pictures and video of these mountains. In movies and on television. In picture books and beer ads. But to see them in person, it was completely different. It was like staring down a monster that wouldn't budge. I heard the door behind me again and Ben and Kim came out into the living room and took a seat on the couch next to me.

The truth is, I had been sizing Ben up since the first mention of him a couple of weeks earlier. Kim spoke of him in such high regards that I was curious to see whether or not he could live up to my expectations. But so far, he had been cool. Very cool, actually. He had a peace about him that exuded a quiet sense of confidence. Like he knew that I wasn't a threat to him, and if I were, he wouldn't be worried anyway. It was refreshing to see. So far, I definitely approved.

"So what are you guys doing today?" He asked.
"I don't know," I said, turning to Kim, "What are we doing today?"
"I was thinking of a hike. The Royal Arch trail. It's amazing," she said.
I turned back to Ben. "We're going hiking," I said.
"Cool. That's a fun trail." He had to work, so Kim and I had the day to ourselves which I preferred anyway because as it turns out, I kind of enjoyed spending time with her.

It was about 10:30 by the time we got everything ready for our hike. Ben was already at work, and we were packing away water bottles, hydration packs, and trail mixes. We checked for last minute things we would need, then headed out to my car. We got in and I put the key in the ignition and heard a Click. Click. Clicking noise of a dead battery. I shook it off and tried again. Click. Click.
"Oh, come on," I said, stretching out the words to show my frustration.
"Huh," Kim said, more in understanding than questioning, "Well, that sucks."
My head was face-down against the steering wheel, "Yep. It really does."
"So what now?" She asked.
I popped the hood of my car got out to see what I already knew. The battery was dead. Really, really dead.
"This is just ridiculous," I said to myself.
"What?" Kim yelled from the other side of the hood.
"Nothing," then, "Any plan B for today?" I looked around the hood to meet her eyes. I needed to jump my car, and had no one around to ask.
"I don't know," she said.
"How far is it to Target?" Ben worked there at the pharmacy.
"Um, it's about a fifteen minute drive from here."
"I need a jump," I said and closed the hood. I walked over and grabbed a napkin out of the glove compartment to wipe the grease off my hands
"Let's go," she said, grabbing her hydration pack.
"Walk?" I asked.
"Well we have to do something, and I'm not going t wait until tonight to leave the apartment," she said.
So we grabbed our things and started walking down the road, leaving my dead car behind.

We were lucky, the temperature was about seventy degrees all day, which made the walk pretty easy. Thirty minutes in I asked her how long she thought it would be until we got there.
"Well, I'm going to go with about an hour or so from now."
"Awesome," I said. The walked was actually beautiful. That's the thing about being in the mountains. No matter where you look, you see snow caps everywhere. It was an incredible sight. We passed by huge fields filled with gopher holes. They were running around all over the place, completely ignorant of our existence. They had their own little city. Their own way of life.
We came up on a corner and stopped. Kim had a curious look on her face, like she wad deep in thought.
"What?" I asked.
"Nothing," she said. "Well. No. I mean, I'm pretty sure we go this way."
I didn't even pretend to be amused.
"What?" I asked again, this time more serious.
"Relax, relax," she said, looking in two directions. "Yeah, over there, that's where we need to be. It should be up this road a little way."
"Are you sure?" We had been walking for an hour and a half and with no end it sight.
"Sure. I mean, sure enough. Don't worry, we'll get there," she said, and started walking again.

"Ha! I knew it. See? Target. Right there," she said.
I looked at my watch. Two hours and fifteen minutes since we had left.
"Oh, one more thing," she said, "Do you know how to drive a stick?"
"Um, on paper, yes. In practice? Not so much."
She thought for a moment. "That's okay. I've done it like twice. We'll be fine."
We walked into Target and found the pharmacy. Ben was busy but looked up and caught his eye on Kim.
"Hey. What are you guys doing here?" He asked.
We looked at each other and kind of chuckled.
"Long story short, his car is dead and we need yours to jump his battery."
He smiled at us. "You serious?"
"Yeah," I said.
"Wait. Did you walk here?"
"We did. Do you have any idea how far of a walk it is?" She said.
"Well, it's about six miles," he said.
"Good god," I said, "How long was the hike we were going to take?"
"Four miles," Kim said.
I laughed. "Not bad."
Kim turned back to Ben. "Okay, we need your car. We'll bring it right back, I promise."
And without question he said, "Okay. Just let me know when you're back," and threw us the keys.

Out in the parking lot we found his his car. I stopped walking when I saw it.
"Your kidding me, right?" I asked.
"What?"
"He has a Camaro?"
"Yeah."
"A Camaro. And we're going to drive it. Two kids who don't know what the hell they're doing with a stick shift."
She hesitated a little. "...Yeah," she said, with a little bit of concern.
"Fuck, man."
"It'll be fine. You said you know what to do, and I've done it a couple of times. So, you just keep me calm and walk me through it. We can do this," she said.
We got in the car and she put the key in the ignition.
"Okay, it won't start," she said.
"Is your foot on the clutch?"
"Ohh."
Dear God, it's Ryan. Please let us get back alive.
She tried again and it started up with a vicious roar.
"Okay," I said, "Now. You're driving a Camaro. A few things to keep in mind. One, don't wreck it. Two, you're driving with a lot of horsepower here, so it's going to scream on you if you're not careful."
"I always have trouble putting sticks into reverse," she said.
"Put your foot on the break and the clutch,"
"Okay, done."
I grabbed the stick and down to the right.
"Alright. Now ease in and ease out. Gas and Clutch.'
"Okay. Here it goes." She hit the gas a little, the car rocked back. Then out of nowhere my head went flying toward the dashboard.
"Oops," she said, "A little too much, huh?"
I reached for my seat belt.
"A bit," I said.
She shifted into first gear and turned the wheel. We drifted through the parking lot going around five miles an hour.
"Get out of the way people I don't know what the hell I'm doing here. I will hit you."
She was visibly nervous, but so far was doing just fine. We made it onto the main road without stalling or crashing.
"Why is it making that sound?" she asked. The engine was revving loudly.
"Shift up, sweetie," I said, "You're in second gear, we need to be in third... possibly fourth."
She shifted up to third with a violent jerk.
"Shit!"
"You're fine. Don't worry. Just remember, ease it in, ease it out."
"Sounds dirty," she said.
I looked at her. "Really not the time, Kim," I said and laughed.

We made it back to the apartment and lined Ben's car up to face mine. I got out and found my jumper cables.
"Hey pop the hood?" I asked Kim.
I lifted the Camaro's hood, then mine.
"Okay, negative to negative." I clamped on to his battery, then mine.
"And positive to positive." I clamped on to his battery, then back to mine.
"Okay, try starting it," I said.
Kim turned my key in the ignition. My car hard sounded like it was choking on it's fuel.
"Again." I said.
She tried again and my engine came to life.
"Oh thank God." I said.
Kim got out of the car and gave me a hug.
"We did it!"
I was relieved, but I knew it wasn't over.
"Are there any Sears Autos around here?" I asked.
"Um, in Denver. Does it have to be Sears?"
It did. Before I'd left home we had gotten all the work on the car done there and everything (battery included) had checked out fine. If the battery was dead, we were taking it back to a Sears to have it fixed.

I followed Kim back to Target to drop off Ben's car, then we headed to Denver to find the Sears.
I was feeling badly about the day. She had planned a hike for us so I could take pictures and see what it was like to really experience Colorado.
"I'm sorry my car ruined the day," I said.
She looked at me like I was crazy.
"Are you kidding? How much fun was today? We hiked six miles through Boulder. I almost killed us driving back to the apartment. And now we have one more story to add to this crazy adventure."
I looked at her. Her expression was sincere. She really had enjoyed herself. I'd always struggled with enjoying life regardless of whatever little obstacles may come. Kim was the type to take a situation and make it her own, no matter how it turned out. She was determined to enjoy her life for everything she could.

At Sears I explained to the mechanic about how I checked my car the week before and they told me the battery was fine. He had a strange way about him. After I told him what was wrong, he told me he would call the Sears back home and talk with them to find out what they had done to my car.
"They'll have everything on record. If they tell me they checked the battery then we should be able to get you a new one for cheap. You say you got it two years ago?"
"Yeah," I said.
"Then it's probably still under warranty. If that's the case then we'll replace it for free. It shouldn't be dead this soon into it's life. Don't worry. I'll take care of it."
Like I said... very strange.
Kim and I wasted some time by walking around the mall.
"All all Colorado people like that?" I asked.
"Like what?"
"You know. Friendly. Nice."
She just laughed. "Oh that's right. You're from Massachusetts."
"Yeah. We don't really do things like that," I said.
"I told you this place was amazing. Why do you think I love it here so much?"
I was starting to understand.

"Oh man!" I said, and grabbed Kim's hand.
"What? Where are we going?"
There was a photo booth in the middle of the mall. I had a thing with photo booths. Ever since I was young. Something about them just made me happy. They gave you a chance to create a memory with someone, to remember that time and place and day. How you felt, what you did, where you found it, and how you got there.

I opened the curtain and we climbed in. The sign read three dollars. I took out my wallet and fed it it's money.
Kim started laughing. "It's been so long since I've been in one of these."
"Okay, it says get ready. What are we doing? Regular faces? Goofy? What?"
"Um, let's start off with regular."
Snap. We had ten seconds to prepare for the second one.
"Goofy?" I asked.
"Goofy."
Snap.
We were laughing. I'm not sure at what. Maybe the faces we made. Maybe the day we'd had. Maybe just because we had no other way to express ourselves at the moment.
"Now what?" I asked.
"Oh. Um, I don't know. I don't know!"
Snap.
"Last one."
"Okay. I got it."
We posed. Snap.
The screen printed out two copies for us. We took a minute to look at them.
"These are amazing," I said.
"They're definitely us," she agreed, "What time is it?"
I looked at my watch. "About seven. Should we head back to the store?"
We got out of the booth and started walking back.

When we arrived the mechanic had finished working on my car.
"It was under warranty. I replaced the battery, and you have a year left on the original three-year warranty. You're good to go."
"So it's free?"
"It's free. Have a nice day, sir."
We thanked him and walked to my car.
"So weird," I said.
"Shut up! It's called being nice."

There was a Buffalo Wild Wings across the street that we saw on the way in. After the day we'd had all we wanted to do was get some wings and beer. It was turning into a bit of a theme for us, really. We got to the restaurant and ordered our food and two tall drinks.
I took my first sip and sighed. It was amazing.
"They have trivia here," Kim said.
"Are we doing it?"
"Ryan, why would you even ask that?"
She stopped our waiter as we walked by and asked for a trivia controller.
"He has a coke finger," she said after he walked away.
"A what now?"
"His pinkie finger. The fingernail is really long, and the rest of them are cut short. It's for doing coke."
I was naive about these things. "How do you know that?" I asked.
"It's common knowledge. Look for it when he gets back."
Our food came and I sneaked a look at his finger. It had a long nail on it.
"You want another beer, man?" He asked.
I looked at my empty glass. Then looked at Kim.
"Should I get another tall, or a regular?"
"I mean, I'm getting a tall."
"Yeah," I said looking back at the waiter, "another one will be good."
After we finished eating we played trivia for a bit. I was still feeling tipsy so we decided to stay until we were both feeling fine.
"So?" Kim asked me.
I knew what she was asking.
"I like him, " I said. "I'm trying not to, but the kid's really nice. It's almost annoying." I was kidding, of course. But she spoke up.
"I know! It is. I'm not sure what to think of it."
"Wait. What?"
"He's almost too nice. We don't joke around at all. Like how you and I have been bickering this whole trip. You're not afraid to be an asshole. That's awesome."
I smiled at her, and knew that she meant it in a completely innocent way.
"I don't know," she continued, "I like him a lot. I just wish he would be sarcastic or crack a joke."
"I wouldn't judge him so much on that," I said, "I'm sure that will come with time. It's all kind of new still, you know?"
We talked for a bit longer. About him. About our trip. About what I would be doing next. Once we were feeling fine we paid the check and left.

Back on the road we turned the radio up and put the windows down. It was truly a nice night.
"I need to get used to the speed limits out here," I said. The main roads had 45 mph speed limits. Back home I was used to going thirty.
"Yeah, everything is more spread out, so the speed limits are higher. You'll get used to it."
Then, as we approached an intersection, the light changed from green to yellow. I was close enough to it that I figured I would have to slam on my breaks to stop, so I kept going. The truck next to me came to a screeching stop.
"What the hell is he doing?" I asked. I looked around the intersection, and there was a police car at the light next to us.
"Oh, fuck me," I said.
"What happened?"
"I'm pretty sure we're going to get pulled over." Then, as if on cue, the blue and red lights started flashing behind us.
"Oh, no," she said. "Did you see him?"
I looked at Kim, not amused.
"Right. Probably would have stopped if you had. Sorry."

The officer came to my window and asked for the usual. I handed him my license and registration and pleaded my case. I explained the foreign speed limits. The yellow light. The guy slamming on his breaks. Did my best 'please don't screw me over' face.
"Where are you folks coming from this evening?" He asked.
"Buffalo Wings, something." I said. I tend to get nervous when authority figures are around.
He had his flashlight blaring in my eyes.
"Did you consume any alcohol this evening?"
I told him yes. Two beers.
"Tall, or regular?"
"Um, they were..." I put up hand measurements, "Like this big. Would you call that tall?" I asked Kim. She shrugged.
"Do you feel as though you are okay to drive this evening?" Panic set in.
"Yes sir. We actually stayed at the restaurant for about an hour after to make sure we were both fine."
His light was still in my eye. I tried to maintain eye contact without flinching. I smiled.
"Okay. I'll be right back," and walked away.
"What. The. Shit." I said to Kim.
"Wow, it's a good thing we stayed, huh?"
"Yeah, no kidding."
He kept us waiting for about fifteen minutes. Which, to my knowledge, has just got to be a little game they play with people.
"He seems like a nice guy. Maybe he'll just give me a warning," I said.
Then, as if on cue again, he came back to the window.
"Okay, this is a ticket for $100 for failing to stop at a traffic light. If you wish, you may report to the Boulder Municipal Court on February 18th to plead your case, or mail in a check to the address on the form. Do you understand what I've just told you?"
I looked at him. I was no longer pleased with the situation. "Do I have any other options?"
He looked right back at me. "Since you failed to provide an insurance card (which doesn't exist in Massachusetts, just fyi) I could have your car impounded and you could pay a fine of $300 on top of the original fine."
He was good at his job, that much was clear. I gave in.
"I'll go with the original fine, thanks." I said.
He smirked, like he knew his plan worked.
"I thought so. You drive safely, have a good night."
I thanked him the way everyone who ever got a ticket probably did. In the 'you suck but you have the power to imprison me so I will be nice to you' way.

And as we drove away Kim just looked at me and said, "I am so sorry, Ryan. Crazy day huh?"
And it was. It was a day as unpredictable as the trip itself. But with every adventure there comes risk. And if that was all that I had to deal with, then I would consider myself lucky.
I let out a long sigh. "Yeah, it's been interesting."
And I looked over at Kim, who was holding our pictures from the photo booth in front of her face, talking in a playful voice.
"Don't let this change your feelings about Colorado. Look at the fun we had today!"
"Stop it."
"It's not so bad. Look at us," she pointed to the pictures, "so happy, so oblivious to what would happen in just a few short hours."
"It's not funny," I said, fighting a smile.
"Ah! I saw it! Don't hide that from me," and she stuck her finger in my cheek. "There was a dimple. Don't fight it," and she smiled wide.

And I smiled. Because I truly was happy.

Cadillac Ranch - Going to Colorado

“The unreal is more powerful than the real, because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. stone crumbles. wood rots. people, well, they die. but things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on.”


The continental breakfast our hotel offered was anything but. There were apples, miniature bagels, cereal and other things that didn't interest me.
"How far away do you think it is?" Kim asked.
We were heading to the Cadillac Ranch. A place where old Cadillacs are sticking nose-first into the ground. Some kind of public art display. I told her I didn't know, but that we should ask the guy behind the front desk for directions.
The day was still early. If we were going to make it to Colorado by nightfall then we had a long drive ahead of us.

We walked up to the desk and asked how to get to the ranch. I tend to bring people with me when I know I have to pay attention. The man behind the desk looked to be in his sixties. The way he spoke suggested that he was only being nice to us because he had to. It wasn't that he was being rude, he just seemed like it was a bother for him to give us directions. After he finished we thanked him and walked out.

"Okay, did you get all that?" I asked.
"Yes."
"Good," I said, and got in the car.
It was somewhere down the road. About ten miles he had said.
"Do we have everything?" I looked in the back of the car. I get get paranoid that I'm going to leave something behind everywhere I go.
"I guess we'll find out eventually," she said.

We weren't on the road ten minutes when we saw it. Ten tie-dyed Cadillacs looking like they had fallen from the sky and stuck into the ground when they hit.
"Oh, awesome, " she said.
I just laughed. Sometimes when there are no words to say, the only thing that comes out is laughter. I pulled over so we could get a better look. There was a van parked ahead of us and in the distance we could see a family running around the Cadillacs.

"Okay. Are we going?" Kim asked, looking at me.
"Hell, yes."
We opened the doors and ran down the dirt pathway that lead to the cars. We passed the family, who were heading back to their car.
"Hey," I shouted, "was it everything you thought it would be?"
The man was walking with his daughter; wife and son behind. He smiled at me.
"And so much more," he said.
Kim and I kept continued on, not stopping until we were about thirty feet away. And then we stood, just looking at them. It was awesome, in the most literal sense of the word. There were ten Cadillacs, standing tall before us, each one a different year and model, each painted by countless visitors before us. Each with their own personal message to the world. Painted scars. Colorful confessions written in sloppy, fat lettering. Every one bleeding their paint together to make a big, beautiful, breathtaking mess. Behind the cars there was land. Never ending land. Above us the sun was stretching the shadows of the Cadillacs, each one lined up perfectly with the next.



I couldn't help but smile My eyes were as wide as the burning sun would let them be.
"This is just..."
"I know," Kim finished.
We walked around the cars, reading messages others left for the world to find. "MATT,2008," "Peace," "Fuck War." Not a single spot was without paint. There were messages on top of messages. Voices constantly being revealed and silenced.

I found a can of spray paint resting on one of the wheel axles. It was heavy, still full. I shook it up, pressed the nozzle and a stream of red shot out. And I wrote. I wrote my name. Then my school, then my home city. Then circles, spots, anything.
"Hey have you seen the cans of spray paint-" Kim had come around from one of the other cars to see me.
"Nevermind," she said.
I stopped and stepped back, looking at my work. Kim stood next to me, taking pictures.
"What is this place?" I asked. Neither of us really knew. I had heard about it on some news show a few years back. It was remarkable how something like this. Something so simple, made such an impact. I was excited, happy, unsure about it. Think, little kid in a toy store.
Really, it was just a roadside attraction. Something for people like us to stop and take pictures of, but at the same time, it was more. It was asking us to participate.
On the road we saw another car pull over.
"Hey, let's get going," Kim said.
"Yeah. Sounds good." It was better to leave before others showed up. It wasn't something either one of us felt like sharing.



Back in the car Kim could barely hold her excitement.
"What?" I asked. She was fidgeting in the passenger's seat, almost laughing to herself.
"You see those mountains way up ahead?"
I did.
"Okay, now just imagine those, but bigger and covered in snow."
Having come from a snow-ridden New England I couldn't say I was excited to see more of it.
"Just wait. Just wait," she said, her hands moving around, trying to speak for her, "You'll see."
The road we were on was flat and stretched on for miles ahead of us. It was strange being able to look ahead and see where you would be in fifteen minutes.
"How much longer do you think it'll be?" I asked.
"Oh, you probably don't want to know," she said.
"That bad?"
"Yeah. Pretty much."

And we drove. The hours ran together like always, and we were pretty quiet until Kim said, "This sucks."
"What does?"
"I don't know, this," she pointed back and forth between us, "It's been so much fun. It just sucks that it has to end."
I smiled because I understood.
"Well," I said, "What are the chances I can convince you to just come with me? Think about it. We can go anywhere, everywhere. We'll be poor and find shit side jobs to make money... could be fun."
She just smiled back and shook her head.
"Now wait, " I continued, "Just think about it. Lock it away and let it bounce around for a bit."
She laughed. "Okay, Ryan. I will."
She was right, though. Our trip together was coming to an end. I knew after I left her I would be on my own. I would have to start figuring out my plan. It was something I'd been putting off. The problem with plans is they never work our how you want them to. No matter how careful you are, something will go awry. But we make it work. We make it work because there is no other choice. Shit happens. Things fall through. It happens so often we actually plan for it.
So I didn't really have one. Drive to Colorado: Step 1. Go down to Tempe: Step 2. Go to California or wherever I decide I want to be: Step 3.
To say I was scared was a gross understatement. But I was determined to make it work, because what other choice did I have?

"Alright, after this turn we should see them!" Kim said.
We continued on the road, which had turned into a typical mountain road. Winding left and right, dipping up and down. We turned the corner and there were the snow-capped mountains ahead of us. It was like looking at a really big Coors bottle. Kim let out an excited squeal. "I'm home."

She had spend a couple of summers out here working at camps. After graduating Elon she moved out to Boulder, before moving back to Maryland.
"I can't wait to show you around," she said, "and for you to meet Ben. You're gonna love him."
"I'm sure I will," I said. "Am I allowed to tell you if I don't?" I braced my arm for a smack but it didn't come. Instead she said, "Yes. I want to know what you think. Really."

We got to Boulder around 8:00 pm for Ben's hockey game. He was in a rec. league with this friends. Kim had told him that we would go, so we sat watching, freezing inside an ice rink.
"How you doing?" she asked. I was wrapped up in a sweatshirt, pea coat, winter hat and hood, shivering.
"Fine," I said through chattering teeth.
The team wasn't very good, but I don't think it mattered to them. It was meant to be fun, not competitive.

After the game we waited in the hall for the team to come out of the locker room. Kim was looking nervous. She was pacing around, looking at her feet. I walked up next to her and gave her a nudge.
"Relax," I said. She smiled at me.
"I know. Thanks."
The locker room door opened and players started to walk out. Kim's head swiveled back and forth, looking for him. Nothing. Then the door opened again and she started walking toward it, this time finding what she was looking for. They walked up to each other with open arms and kissed. It was like a scene from a really cheesy movie. We did introductions and headed back to Ben's apartment.
"I hope the couch is okay," he said to me.
I told him it was fine. I was going to have to get used to sleeping on couches anyway. The apartment was nice. Big couch with a big t.v. to match. It was spacious, and the kitchen window overlooked the mountains.
"Well, feel free to watch t.v. or a movie or something." He and Kim said goodnight and headed into his room.
"I will," I said. "Thank you."
I turned on the t.v. and flipped through a few channels. I looked around the living from the couch. It was a nice place. Then I took a deep breath and though, 'Well, this is it.' It was time to start moving on. I walked over to my bag and pulled out my notebook, turned the t.v. off and laid down on the couch, and started writing.

Getting Lost in Texas

"I fell in love with the moment of falling in love, and I wanted to keep that moment alive forever."


Back in the car we turned the radio on to news of the Cardinals' victory over the Eagles.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Kim said, "I just want to watch the Steelers game. Can we make sure we stop off somewhere to watch it? And maybe get some wings and beer?" I was loving this girl more everyday.
"We should be in Texas in a couple of hours. We'll be able to make it to Amarillo right after the game starts. We'll stay there for the night," I said.
"You think they are any sports bars there?"
"I don't know," I said, reaching into the center console to take out my GPS. I hated to use it. We had been using a road atlas this whole time, but it was the playoffs and, we wanted wings and beer.
"Check for a bar on this," I said, handing it to her.
"There's one in Pampas, Texas." She looked at the atlas, "That's only about seventy miles from Amarillo. Let's stop there, watch the game, then head on to Amarillo and get a hotel."
It sounded good to me.
"It's going to take us onto another highway until we get to Pampas. It'll take us a couple of hours to get to the bar."

We turned off of the high way and onto the bypass that would take us to the bar. The road was a single lane in both directions and the area around us was desolate, with the exception of a town that appeared out of nowhere every ten or fifteen miles.

"So," I said, deciding to break the silence, "What do you like about this guy?
She took a moment to think about it, like she really wanted to answer honestly.
"He's such a nice guy. Really layed-back, you know? And super understanding.
"That's good," I said. I wasn't all that convinced yet.
"Yeah. I've dated too many assholes. It's good to finally be with someone nice like him."
"Why is that?" I had to ask. "What is with girls always going after these guys? Is it like, some challenge where they think they can change them for the better?"
"I don't know. I can't really explain it. Haven't you ever dated someone that ended up not being so great?"
I had. I think everyone has.
"One or two," I said, "But I don't tend to hang around assholes."
The way I figure, there are way too many people in this world to waste my time spending it with ones I don't like.
"Ever been in love?" She asked.
"Sure. I think, anyway. I don't know, when you have it, you think it's a sure thing. But after it's gone you start to wonder it's existence in the first place."
"Interesting," she said.
"I guess. I've never said it first, though."
"Really?"
"Maybe I should add that to my list," I said.
"Okay," she took out her notebook and added it to my list of things to do before I die.
"Also. Go skinny dipping. And see a tornado."
"Awesome," she said, and laughed.

"What the hell is happening on the road?" I asked. There were tumble weeds everywhere.
"You know you're in Texas when..." That was what I liked about Kim. She was quick with a response. Always one smart-ass comment ahead of the curve.
The wind was blowing so hard the tumbleweeds were flying across the highway. Hundreds of them.

"This is amazing," I said. Kim nodded and readjusted herself in the seat, as if trying to get a better look.
"Oh wait, we need to turn in a couple of miles," she said.
"Alright, just let me know."
That was the purpose of the co-pilot. When not making the driver laugh, the co-pilot needed to make sure we were on target. But since we wre just following the GPS now, Kim's job was pretty easy.
"Okay, you see that turn up ahead? Go there," she said.

We turned onto a road that was as beautiful as the setting sun around us. It wandered left and right, up and back down. If you looked left, you could see land until it met the orange sky above it. To the right was a darkening sky, its clouds looking as if they were packing it in for the night.

"Stop!" Kim said.
"What? What's wrong?" I asked, pulling the car over to the side of the road.
"Did you see that back there?" She didn't wait for my answer. She just opened the door and starting walking back.
"Kim, where are you going?" I asked.
The passenger door was still open. I turned off the car and got out, running after her.

She was standing in the middle of the road, staring into the distance.
"Oh, wow," I said, finally meeting up with her.
Beyond the road there was an old tractor parked up on a hill, standing silhouetted by the setting sun behind it. To capture it in a picture frame would never do. This was something that had to be experienced. On this empty road in the middle of Texas, the sky illuminated with splashes of pink, red and orange, we stood watching the Texan flag, flapping in a shade of black silhouette, like it was proud of its home. I walked up to Kim and hugged her, because it was a moment worth sharing.
"It's beautiful," she said.
I didn't respond. I just kept looking at it.
The road was completely empty. We had been the only car on it and hadn't seen another one since we turned on. We could have laid down in the middle of the yellow line if we'd wanted.
"Come on. Let's go," she said. Kim took the keys from my hand and walked back to the car.
I lingered a bit longer, then turned and followed her back to my car.

"Look at this road," I said, staring out the window. I couldn't get over it. "It's amazing."
"Is that a dirt road?" Kim asked.
"Where?"
"Ahead of us. Does this turn into a dirt road? Where the hell is your GPS taking us?"
I looked at the road. It was definitely going to turn into dirt. I looked at the GPS, "It says we only have seven miles until we get to the bar."
"Are you sure? Look around us. There's nothing."
It was true. There was only land. Land in every direction.

The dirt road hit, and the ride became a lot more rough.
"Um, I don't think this is right," she said.
I kept looking around. "Yeah, maybe not. But I think it'll take us out." I typed in the bar again to double-check.
"Twenty-seven miles!"
"What? Are you kidding? We're gonna get raped and killed out here," she said.
I laughed, but only a little. We passed a NO TRESPASSING sign.
"This is all farmland. We're definitely not supposed to be here. If I get shot I'm going to kill you," she said.
"No one is going to shoot us."
"We're in Texas, this is the land of 'I'll kill you if you're on my property.'" Kim was getting a little uncomfortable.
I looked behind us. There was a huge trail of dust being kicked up from the tires.
"Cool," I said out loud.
"Look alive, Ryan." She said, "We need to get out of here."
"Well we've been on this road for almost an hour, it would be pointless turning around."

There was a cluster of lights in the distance.
"That's probably where we're going," I said. I checked the GPS, still seventeen miles away.
"Headlights! Headlights!"
"A stop sign!" I said. We had made it to an intersection with a paved road. A sign read, "Pampas - 14 miles."

The town of Pampas, Texas was small and open. It had wide roads with few establishments.
"The bar is right up here," Kim said.
As we pulled into the parking lot I could see the look on Kim's face change. The bar had no windows and the parking lot was filled with big trucks.
"Ohh, no," she said, "I'm pretty sure we're not getting out of this car."
A man exited the bar; quintessential Texas. Top to bottom he had on a cowboy hat, tucked in button-up shirt, big belt buckle, jeans, tall boots, and was lighting a cigarette.
"Nope. Mm-mm, let's go. We'll find another place."
I smiled at her. "You sure?" I asked.
She didn't answer, she just looked at me.
"Okay, okay, we'll go," I said, "But here, I'll drive."

And as we pulled back out onto the highway, I couldn't help but think what a beautiful waste of time all that was. It was two hours of lost time that I wouldn't trade for a single minute of on-time. Sometimes moments that end up meaning the most are ones you never even planned on. They're beautiful accidents. Unexpected and irreplaceable.

"How much longer until we're in Amarillo?" I asked.
Kim looked at the atlas, her fingers measuring out the distance.
"Looks like an hour and a half."
I nodded. "Anything you feel like listening to?"
She looked up at the stars. There were more in the sky than I'd ever seen in my life.
"No," she said, and opened her window, "This is just fine."

Roadside Casino

“The best way to waste your life, ... is by taking notes. The easiest way to avoid living is to just watch. Look for the details. Report. Don't participate.”

We had stopped at a motel in Arkansas around midnight. It was off of a road that bordered Interstate 40, so I spent the night listening to the sounds of passing trucks and car horns, while Kim lay next to me sound asleep. And I lay, wondering what would come next. It was a natural curiosity that came with the start of any new adventure. I wondered where we would end up the following day, or if I would find a job in California when I got there. But most of all I wondered if, when I got to the place I was supposed to be, would I know it? Would I feel that I was where I should be? I think the questions was as arbitrary as it was scary. The unknown lead to the fear of the unknown. It had me questioning myself on whether or not I was strong enough to make it to the end. Wherever the end happened to be. And I must have gotten lost in thought and drifted off because I soon woke up to Kim moving in her sleep.

I looked at my watch. It was 9:14. I had slept for about eight hours. It felt like a lot less. I got out of bed to brush my teeth, careful not to wake her, but it didn't work. Kim's body snapped awake, and her voice followed with a high-pitched squeak. I looked over at her, she had fallen still again. Even though we were friends, it was nice to wake up next to somebody. There's a certain companionship that comes with it. An understood comfort between two people; that small way of saying, 'I trust you.'

"What time is it?" she asked, eyes still closed.
"After nine," I said back, spitting toothpaste on my chest. She let out another squeak, this time stretching herself awake. The room we got was a real piece of work. The walls had faded spots all over. There was no cable. No internet. No shampoo. I had washed my hair with that miniature bar of soap they give you that never fully washes off. It didn't take us long to get ready for the day. We didn't have much to pack up, and we both wanted to leave early so we could make it into Texas for the night.

We hit the road by ten, heading west. I think we made it two hours into our drive before we got bored. The open road can be pretty baron from time to time. We had already listened to every song we could think of, so we were driving in silence. We just sat, listening to the muffled sound of gravel pass below us.

"Here it comes!" Kim shouted.
"Are you ready for it?" I said. We could see the Oklahoma state sign ahead in the distance. It had become something of a ritual to make a big deal out of entering a new state.
"Drum roll," she said, and I started beating the steering wheel. As the sign moved closer, we grew louder.
"Ahhhh,"
"Ohhhh,"
"Welcome to Oklahoma!"
"Whoooo,"

And she smiled. And I smiled. And we continued our drive. Kim turned on the radio to try to find the NFC Championship game. The Cardinals were up against the Eagles and we really wanted to listen in. We found an AM station that picked it up, the only problem is that when you're in Oklahoma, you're in the middle of nowhere. And when you're in the middle of nowhere, reception tends to fade in and out. We sat listening to high static that occasionally dipped into a sportscaster's voice calling out plays on the field.

"Did you hear the score?" I asked.
"No. There was something about an incomplete pass."

Up ahead I saw white propellers spinning in a field.
"Look at those. Are those wind propellers?"
"Yeah,, there are a lot of them here," she said. Kim had taken a similar route to Colorado before, so she knew some of these areas much better than I did.
"There are so many of them," I said, "they look small, do they really pick up much energy?"
Kim chuckled.
"What?"
"We're probably about five miles away from them. Trust me, they're huge," she said. We sat listening to the static a bit longer until we finally came up on the propellers. As we reached them I realized just how big they were. They looked to be about 100 feet tall. If the propellers were to fall, they could crush my car without even trying. It was just awesome to see.
"We'll see a bunch on this road. They're pretty amazing," she said.
"Yeah," I said, still looking up from my window.

"God, there are a lot of casinos in this state. This is like the fifth sign we've passed," Kim said.
It was true. I had notice it, too.
"We should go to one," I said.
"Really?"
"Yeah, I've never been. You?"
"Nope," she said.
"Let's do it. Maybe we'll win big." I didn't really have to convince her. She was all smiles at the thought of it.
"It would be so much fun," she said.
"Hell yeah it would. We can walk around all the tables, order drinks."
"I'll probably stick with the slot machines. I don't know how to play any games," she said.
The exit was 21 miles ahead. I passed the time imagining what it was like inside of a big fancy casino. There would be blackjack dealers, cocktail waitresses, and a big game floor. I was psyched.

"Is this is? Seriously?" Kim stood next to me at a gas station, looking through the pumps to the building that stood beyond it. It was a gas station store/casino.
"You have got to be kidding me," I said.
"Alright. Let's do it," she said, leading the way. I quickly followed behind her to the front doors.
The entrance was a neutral zone that housed public restrooms. To the right was the gas station store. To the left was our casino.

My dreams of a big fancy casino died around the same time we opened the door. We walked into a porrly lit room filled with slot machines and cigarette smoke. We immediately felt out of place.

"What do we do?" Kim whispered.
"Hell if I know," I whispered back, "Here, let's just follow the lead." We walked around, trying to watch other people.
There was a couple sitting together, feeding dollar bills into a machine. In the next isle over there was an old woman taking charge of two slot machines. Feeding dollars, pressing buttons, then going to the next one, repeat.
"Wow," I whispered.
"What?"
"I'm just trying to remember the last time I felt this trashy."
Kim grinned and slapped me.
"I only have a dollar," she said.
I checked my wallet, "I've got eleven." I handed her a couple bucks.
"You sure?"
"Totally. Go nuts."
We parted ways and looked around for machines that looked promising. I blew threw my first five dollars in about two minutes. "Damn," I said outloud. The machine was remorseless.

I walked around a bit more and found Kim. She was sitting wide-eyed at one across from the main entrance.
"I have no idea what I'm doing," she said.
I sat down next to her and put a dollar into my own machine. I pressed a button. Lost. I pressed it again and lights started flashing, buzzers went off, and I nearly fell out of my seat it scared me so much.
"What did you do?" Kim asked.
"I think," I started, "I think I just won." I looked at it, and the dollars started adding up.
"I just won... seventeen dollars. Hell yeah! Now, how do I cash out?" I pressed the button and got my receipt.

It took me about five minutes to cash the receipt and walk out the front door five dollars richer than I was when I walked in, and only two minutes to waste it on a bag of beef jerky across the way at the gas station store.

On The Road

“Life is like a landscape. You live in the midst of it but can describe it only from the vantage point of distance.”

Kim was spread across the front seat, leaning behind us to find a bottle of water when I heard, "Oh, what the hell is this?"
She sat back down with the water in one hand and my hat in the other.
"That's the captain's hat," I said.

The captain's hat was found about 30 minutes before my friend Joe and I had left on a trip to D.C. a month earlier. It was one of those big fur hats with ear flaps that could hang down or button on the top.

She laughed. I wasn't sure if it was at the hat or me, but she turned it around in her hands and put it on.
"Looks good on you," I said. The truth was, it looked ridiculous on anyone who wore it, but I think that was the point. It acted as comic relief when you were bored.

It was somewhere in Tennessee that we found a rest area with a lookout point and decided to stop for a minute. There were no other cars in sight. We had our time to ourselves. I wanted to get my camera out because the scene was something I knew I'd want to remember. There were stone steps leading up a hill that housed benches and picnic tables. Real basic, actually, but greatly welcomed.

By the time I found the camera and looked up from the car Kim was already running up the steps. The area was like most others that existed on the road. If I lived around here I doubted I'd ever bother to stop at it. But after eight hours in a car, it was nice to take a break.

I took a few pictures of the place, then stood up on one of the stone benches. In the distance there were rolling hills that faded in their own depth. Kim was running around performing cartwheels in her bare feet. It calmed me to see someone get such happiness from something so simple. It was as if nothing else was around her. I smiled. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt that way myself. Her sandals were laying on the ground next to my bench. The way they were positioned suggested that she'd kicked them off without much thought.

"Ow, hey!" she yelled, picking her sandal up and throwing it back at me. I laughed and thew the other one at her.
"Ass!" She ran over to me, and I opened my arms to wrap around her to show that I was only playing around.
"Jerk," she said, into my chest, "Give me that." She took my camera and walked away.
I walked over to the top of the hill and took a seat on the ground. It was still cold, but the fresh air was a welcomed commodity. I'm big into aesthetics. The beauty that's all around us is there for the taking. You just have to see it. In the distance I could see for what felt like miles. And I sat wondering what else was out there. If this spot existed then there had to be others. Behind me I could hear the low click of the shutter on my camera. I looked back to find Kim crouching, lining up a shot of me sitting, looking into the distance with nothing but the sun in the background.
"Where to next?" She asked.
I point with no real clue of what direction was at the end of my finger. "West," I said.

Back in the car we were listening to a CD my friend Amy made for me before I left. She was convinced she could get me to like country music. I was skeptical but since we were in the south I figured it would be appropriate. To be honest, it was growing on me. I was starting to learn some of the words, and the tunes were really catchy. I decided to join in and screwed up the first line I tried to sing. Kim interrupted her own singing to laugh at me, then continued on singing every word to the music playing through my speakers. And it was small moments like this one that I knew were going to be the ones I remembered the most. They're like little flashes that your brain captures to use on a bad day, as if to say, 'remember when?'

"Missouri!" she yelled out. "You're really sucking at this game."
We had about 26 states so far and I'm pretty sure she had found 23 of them.
"Where?" I asked. She pointed to the van we were passing on the right.
"Mi-ssouri," she said.
"Whatever. I'm driving. That's a total disadvantage. I need to pay attention to the road."
"Yeah, sure. Do you want to switch, by the way?"
"When we stop for gas," I said. I was getting tired and the tank was almost empty anyway.
"What are you writing?" She had been writing in a notebook for the last twenty minutes or so. She looked up at me.
"A list of things I want to do before I die. A bucket list-type thing."
I thought about it. I think it was the first time I ever really did. I had things I wanted to accomplish. I think everyone does. But I'd never made them into something tangible before.
"Here," she said, turning to a blank page, "What do you want to do?"
"Hell, I don't know."
"That's bullshit. I know there are things you want to do. Jut think of some of them."
I thought. "Travel to Europe. Continental Europe. I've done Ireland and the UK. I want to see the rest of it. And Japan.
"Good. I like it. What else?"
"Learn a second language. Run a marathon... well maybe a half-marathon."
"Awesome," she said, scribbling down my aspirations. It was nice to think about. I had no idea how I would go about any of them, but they were out. Told and written.
"Alright the gas light's on. How far is the next exit?"

My car was covered in salt still from living in New England. The normal blue color had turned into a faded grey-blue weeks ago. I was hoping to hit a rainstorm at some point so it could wash off because I was too cheap to pay for a car wash. When the gas was done pumping I drove over to park outside the station shop and meet Kim, who had gone in to pee. I walked in as she was walking out.
"Keys?" she asked, extending her hand. I tossed them to her and watched the shop's door close behind me.

Before I left Massachusetts I had promised Maria that I would send her postcards from every state I stopped in, and so far I had been failing miserably. I searched around the store, but found none. So I walked up to the counter to ask if they had any.
"No, sweetheart, we ran out awhile back and have yet to get any in," the woman behind the counter was probably in her late 60's. Maybe 70. One of the first things that stands out to me when I'm in a new place is the accent the locals speak in. This woman I guessed had lived in the south all her life. She had a thick and honest accent. Her face was weathered and tired. She had the look of someone who was working because she had bills to pay, no just because she was bored with retirement.
"Okay, thank you, ma'am," I said back. I walked outside and got in the passenger-side door. Kim was sitting with her seat belt already on, ready to go.
"You get a postcard?"
"They're out."
"Out? Seriously?"
"I know," I said, "at least this time it's not my fault."
She laughed, "Yeah, I'm sure she'll understand."
I nodded and looked around for the captain's hat. "I love this hat," I said, putting it on. "Let me know if you get tired and want to switch."
"I will, but maybe you should rest up, first."
"I'm good, don't worry," I said, and within ten minutes I was asleep.

The Why

"You realize that our mistrust of the future makes it hard to give up the past. We can't give up our concept of who we were. All those adults playing archaeologist at yard sales, looking for childhood artifacts, board games, Candyland, Twister, they're terrified. Trash becomes holy relics. Mystery Date. Hula Hoops. Our way of getting nostalgic for what we just threw in the trash, it's all because we're afraid to evolve. Grow, change, lose weight, reinvent ourselves. Adapt."



I woke up to Kim's face taking up my entire line of sight.
"Hey, time to get up," she said. She was speaking in a soft voice which was greatly appreciated. She had already been wearing her coat, and her bags lay resting on top of one another in front of the door.

I took a minute to gather my composure. My mouth was dry, my eyes weighed down, still heavy with sleep. I rolled off of her living room couch and headed into the bathroom to brush my teeth. I flipped on the light switch and quickly shut my eyes to keep out the glare of the bright lights. I looked in the mirror, my beard was growing in. I had made a deal with myself not to shave during the trip. Scruffy beards and a disheveled look were a part of any good road trip. I caught a glance of the top of my head. My hair was all over the place, and I had the kind of hair that does what it wants, when it wants. If it chose to stay looking like Phil Spector's then who I was to argue?

After I was finished I walked back out to the living room.
"Ready?" Kim asked. She was much too chipper for seven in the morning.
"Mmph," was all that came out of my mouth. I got dressed and put on my coat. The temperature was probably still in the single-digits because a car drove by and the smoke from the exhaust was filling up the air behind it.

I grabbed my bags and walked to the front door to where Kim was. She looked at me and smiled. She had a kind face; attractive and sincere. The kind of person who, when she spoke, you know knew she meant what she said.
"Nice hair," she said.
"Shut up," I said, walking past her through the front door. She laughed to herself and shut the door behind us.

It was definitely still below ten degrees. My first breath resulted in frozen lungs that shot a coughing fit through my body. I was breathing smoke.
"Alright, take a minute," she said, patting me on the back, "Now get over it." She walked past me and started loading the car.
There wasn't much to it. I had three bags, a suit, pillow and a blanket, and a laundry basket filled with food. She had a bag and a gift for her boyfriend.

I started the car up and blasted the heat.
"What. The. Hell," I said, my mouth barely opening.
"So, here's what I'm thinking. We're in Maryland and it's-" she checked the temperature on my dashboard. "Eight! it's eight degrees out."
I nodded in agreement.
"So if we go north, we're looking at snow storms, wind chills, and 'holy fuck it's cold outside's.'"
"Ahuh."
"The south is going to be much warmer. We can drive through the Smokey Mountains and not deal with the cold.
"Done," I said. I didn't need any convincing. I knew I'd see Greg another time, but I did feel bad about canceling on him.
"So, we're going south," I said, and looked over at her. She had a big smile on her face.
"We're going south," she said back, almost yelling with excitement.
"Great," I put the car in drive. "Now, how do we get there?"

We were probably five hours and into Virginia when Kim asked me.
"So, why are you doing this?"
"Moving?"
"Yeah. I mean, I get that you don't want to be home anymore. But why go now? Why California? I thought you didn't want to be one of those dreamers in Hollywood."

I had thought about it. I had thought about it a lot, actually. When I was in school at Elon I had a lot of friends in our film program that always talked about L.A. and how they couldn't wait to get out there. I was never like that. I had read enough things to know that all those people who were convinced they would be the next superstar were simply disillusioned.
But I also knew I was sick of sitting and wishing. For too long I had sat around being envious of other people. I had a friend who graduated two years before me who was living in London. Two more who were in Australia, my roommate Bryan was teaching English in Korea, and I wanted that, too. Not necessarily to be in Korea, but to be out, living. To be out there, trying, doing, being. I was sick of wondering "What if," I was ready to ask, "Why not?" I had never claimed to know all the answers to the questions I had in life. I may never get the answers, or if I do,, they might not be what I'd hoped for. But I was never going to find any answers by sitting at home.

This was my time to do something. It was my time to try something., to be daring, be stupid, be bold. It was my time to live the life I'd been so envious of. So I made a decision to go. My plan had an outline, with plenty of spots to add details to and no ending. California was worth trying out. If I wanted to do film then there was no place better to get my feet wet. If it didn't work out then I'd figure something else out. It wasn't failing that I was afraid of. It was never trying.

We, all of us, are just a speck on on this planet, in a small solar system that is stuck swirling inside of a small galaxy that's just one of countless others. This life may be futile and small, but it is here for a reason. And in 100 years from I'll be dead, and that's fine. But to think that I didn't spend my time here living for all I could, that's just too overwhelming for me.

I looked over at Kim who was sitting on her folded legs in the front seat, waiting for my response.
"Well, might as well try."
She thought about it for a moment, and said, "Fair enough," seemingly satisfied with my response. Then, "Oh, I love this song," and turned up the radio.